Hello, gloomy world… This is Eden, and my life has become TERRIFYING, during my 194th year upon this Earth! It’s all Kate’s fault! I am scared of NO MAN, I am the sinister shadow that swoops down from the roiling skies and EATS YOU ALIVE – I fear nothing! Except…well…
I must confess, that recently, horrible apparitions have been appearing to me. They are tiny, and sticky, and they dribble. They also vomit and shit themselves simultaneously, and then laugh about it as the stench causes me to gag! They are beyond terrifying! I am seriously considering faking my own death and moving to New Orleans, except…well…no, no, that’s no good, New Orleans is full of the same nonsense now, thanks to my broody ex-girlfriend! Kate has reached That Age… I mean, she hasn’t, obviously, since she’s an eternally immortal vampire (thanks to me – my first and only progeny! 🙂 I did very well, and as such, I think I shall light another joint, in celebration of my own excellent taste and superior skill!), but nonetheless, she is still tied to her horrible human friends, and cousins, and they are ALL plopping out sprogs like a goddamned popcorn maker. Babies… Babies everywhere, bouncing off the walls, screeching and puking – I dreamed about drowning in vomit last night, and the night before that I dreamed about being smothered to death with a shitty nappy, and had to hasten immediately to the bathroom! I am being HAUNTED! It shall be the DEATH OF ME! I need to go on a… a spa retreat or something, to calm my nerves – a spa retreat and a great big sack of heroin, Type O, and weed. That might assist in reclaiming my usual level of upstanding mental health and level headed sanity!
In the meantime, this is What Happened…
Kate took me to a party for Halloween – Rob and Clara went out on a murdering spree, because blood in your hair always looks far less sinful on Halloween, and oh how I envied them! Samuel stayed at home with a book, declaring the entire occasion ‘crass and American’, which gave Clara the hump, naturally. So, anyway, that left Kate and me going to this ‘party’, all alone.
I was quite excited! I hadn’t been to a mortal party in ages! So, naturally, I filled an entire cigar case with high-strength joints and pre-loaded syringes, injected myself with speed, and double-dropped two extremely potent ecstasy pills and one pretty purple acid tab before I drove us there. Kate came along for the ride, matching me pill for pill, and off into the night we roared, on a great and fabulous crusade to get absolutely wankered, and surreptitiously EAT anybody who seemed tedious!
I got a new car for my birthday this year, which probably explains why I didn’t tell you anything about my birthday at all. I was having far too much fun bossing around slimy little salesmen, cartwheeling across the gleaming floors of my own personal heaven, and then zooming all over the country in my new and beloved baby. It’s an Audi R8, modded to hell and back, vertical-opening doors, purple and black and fantastic! The only downside is that Rob won’t stop bragging about the Lamborghini he intends to buy himself as a Christmas present, so now I have to share if I want to drive his Lambo, which OF COURSE I SODDING WELL DO!!
Anyway, to return to the tale at hand, the windows were open, the pills were kicking in, and Kate was dangling out into the night air screaming with joy, I had Jerry Lee Lewis on the stereo and everything was perfect. This, I thought, this is what being a vampire on Halloween is All About! I should be a rotten old Victorian skeleton buried beneath some ghastly London Asda car-park by now, dead and forgotten by everyone on Earth, vile Millennials trampling all over my grave playing Pokemon Walk About Like A Twat, knocking down my old house, and instead, HERE I AM! I am whooshing through the sinister night air aboard my gleaming mechanical steed, my brain buzzing with all the delicious chemicals the modern world can serve up, and at my side is the most beautiful girl in the known universe, who has perversely chosen me to be her Person, forever and ever. And when we get to that party, there will be more drugs and loud music and thick, delicious mortal blood a-plenty!
“I LOVE MY UNDEATH!!” I hollered out of the window, beaming. “AM I NOT DEMONIC?!”
I was dressed as myself, because I’m already a vampire, so plfthhhh to costumes! I simply wore my most flamboyant accoutrements, and spent nearly as long as Kate in front of the mirror. Kate’s backside, as she hung out of the car window, was so gleaming and pert in its vinyl catsuit I wanted to bite it. Her shoes would have snapped the ankles of a lumbering human within five seconds flat, and she had accented her make-up with the occasional dribble of human blood, taken from our pre-clubbing snack.
All was well. It was better than well. It was FUCKING SPLENDIFEROUS!
Finally, we squealed to a halt on a suburban street, which seemed to have far too many boring cars on it. You know, the sort of boring car people buy when they get married, and off goes the Jag, and in comes the Volvo, but I couldn’t judge this place based on its tedious neighbours – all the more to eat! I pressed the Magical Button, and sighed in delight as my door slid into the air, and out I stepped like a superstar! There was a whoosh, and Kate’s shiny vinyl-clad body was all over me. We lost a few minutes there, I think, but eventually we broke apart, and I walked behind her, admiring her gleaming bum, up the path to a front door hung with black, purple and orange balloons.
Hmm, I thought, somewhere in the depths of my increasingly twisted brain. It’s rather quiet…
I could hear music, but it wasn’t party volume music, and there wasn’t enough drunken laughter and debauched, sexual moaning. I wanted to DANCE, and drink and smoke and then find a bedroom to fuck Kate in!
“Hang on!” I hissed. “I have a bad feeling about this!”
“A bad feeling?” Kate repeated, turning around and frowning at me. She looked nervous, and rightly so – when the most psychic member of your family has a BAD FEELING, you should shudder with DREAD and AWE!
“No,” I clarified, “Not that sort of Bad Feeling, we’re not about to die or anything, I just think we should amply fortify ourselves for what lies ahead – this place seems…strange…odd…UNHOLY!”
“There are stakes in the car…”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, I don’t mean stakes, I just mean we need to take more drugs, a LOT more drugs, right now, if we’re to SURVIVE this night!”
Kate started laughing, and I delved in my pocket, handing her a hipflask filled with blood-wine, and passing out two more pills each, and another acid tab. On brief reflection, I ate two acid tabs. Then we drained the flask dead, and knocked on the door.
It was answered by a midget.
The midget was dressed as the devil, and its midgetty little eyes stared blankly up at me through the holes in its mask. It said nothing.
“Well, fuck me!” I exclaimed. “I haven’t been to a party with midget waiters in decades! Are you serving up plates of cocaine too?! You know, I thought this was going to be a shit party – no offence, little bean – but now I see I was sorely mistaken! Are there stripper midgets? I once fucked this incredible midget, with these tits that just didn’t belong on such a ti—”
“Woss a mijjit? ‘n a cocacaine?” interrupted the midget, in a very high pitched, nearly nonsensical voice.
It’s been playing with helium, I thought. And it’s clearly very, very drunk indeed!
“Go and do some coke, or speed,” I suggested. “Straighten you up a bit. I’ve got some, if you like? Would you prefer to snort or inject?”
I was about to produce my wares, feeling it only decent to share with this poor midget who was already in such messy shape, when a woman the size of the Titanic, tits exploding from her velvet corset, came striding up and demanded,
“What on EARTH are you doing to my son! Do I even know you?”
“Ah,” I said. “Shit. My apologies – I thought it was a midget. Can I come in?”
“It? IT?! He is a four year old boy, and you were just about to give—”
“He’s with me,” Kate interjected. “Sorry. We were just…joking?”
I watched that dazed flicker of bewitchment pass over the woman’s face, and she scooped up her sinister midget and disappeared into the house. We followed after. I hissed at Kate,
“What the shit is this all about? Why has that woman brought an infant to a party if she doesn’t want it to take drugs?”
“Weird,” Kate agreed. “It’s pretty weird…but maybe her babysitter cancelled or something. Are you tripping yet?”
Kate’s eyes were like shiny black buttons ringed in neon green, and the ghastly beige patterned carpet was swirling around my feet as thought it were a bowl of steaming soup and I was a buoyant crouton. I nodded, informing her,
“I am the crunchiest crouton this carpet-soup has ever seen. I think I have herbs in me. In fact, I know I do, but I need more of them, if I am to remain the Crouton King!”
Kate sniggered, but not at me, she was transfixed by something on the ceiling. I whipped out my stash tin, produced a joint, and sparked it up, sucking down herbal smoke, and taking Kate’s hand. I pulled her down to the floor with me, so that we might appreciate the soup a little better. I could smell it now, could feel its warmth swirling about my toes. It was chicken noodle, I decided, with little bits of mushroom in it, and it was a bloody good soup. Of course it was – my mind had cooked it up. No wonder I was chosen to bless this Carpet Soup with my presence!
I passed the joint to Kate, and after a couple of drags, she said,
“This carpet…it’s like spaghetti, it’s all wrapped around my feet!”
“Oh no, it’s fine – it’s just the noodles. If you don’t move, they’ll sink. You have to rise above, and become a crouton, just like me. We must always remain the same species. Welcome to the world of the immortal crouton – may we never grow soggy nor sink! Keep smoking – you’ll float better.”
Soon enough we’d almost finished the joint, and just as I took the last drag, some absolute twat dressed like Austin Powers came marching out of…somewhere, and protested,
“There’s no smoking in this house – not ever, what were you thinking?! You have to go outside, and….oh god, is that weed?!”
“Bloody good weed,” I told him, nodding. “I have more, if you’d like?”
“PUT IT OUT, now, think about the children! Jesus Christ, man!”
I mumbled an apology and smushed my roach into a nearby plant-pot, only to be groaned at and informed,
“That is a prize-winning orchid!!”
“No…” I disagreed, stroking the plant’s shiny green leaves. “It has dreams of becoming a salad. I can hear its thoughts. It’ll be far happier if you put one of those pointy yellow peppers next to it, and—”
“And two cherry tomatoes!” Kate blurted out, giggling. “LIKE A DICK! LIKE A REALLY BIG YELLOW DICK with teeny-weeny bollocks!”
“ANNA!” Austin Powers was yelling, “Get the children outside for fireworks, and open all the windows, there is W-E-E-D smoke in the house!”
He’d flounced off before I had the chance to ask why he was so proud of his abilities to spell a four letter word…
The night proceeded in grim style… The fireworks, I confess, were fantastic – I thought the Carpet Soup was trippy, but those fireworks were fearsome and terrifying and fabulous and amazing, and we may both have gotten a little carried away with the screaming, squealing and swearing, as each fizzle turned into a BANG, and then a blossoming flower of insane luminosity would erupt from the ground or rain down from the sky! Soon we found ourselves left all alone in the dark with a box of sparklers, which we made great use of 🙂 I felt like a wizard! I kept telling Kate, Yer a wizarrrd, Harry! and then we’d laugh like idiots and draw pictures in the air with our wands.
Eventually we were all sparklered out, so in we went, and Kate made a stealth mission to the CD player to crank it up, bewitching anyone who got in her way. I was starting to feel a bit weird… A bit weird like I shouldn’t have taken that final acid tab. Everyone was ignoring me, or staring at me, but nobody seemed to want to talk to me…which made me sad, but finally seemed understandable when I let in a few people’s thoughts and used their brains as mirrors – my eyes were vast and psycho-black-and-green, and I seemed to be trying to chew my own tongue off. Frankly, I looked like a deranged crackhead who might stab you for a fiver. Oops. I should have worn a costume after all…perhaps a burka 😦 And all around me, people were sipping wine, or god forbid, orange juice, they were nibbling from goddamn fucking cheese platters, and all of them were perfectly in control of their faculties. Nobody was dancing. Nobody was having fun. Nobody was trying to swim across the floor in the grips of a K-hole. And just then…
I saw a tit.
I saw a bloody enormous fucking TIT!
I tell you, there was a tit, right there – right in the middle of this tedious middleaged un-party! A rampaging TIT, vast and fleshy and…tittish!
Now, usually this is the beginning of a bloody good story – a Wandering Tit always warms the cockles of one’s heart, but on this occasion, it was not a tantalising Sex Tit, it was a…a functional tit! A MOTHER’S TIT! There was a sodding baby clamped right onto it, slurping up tit-juice like there was no tomorrow! I’m four pills down, I’m tripping my nuts off on three tabs of high strength LSD, and just feet away from me, a bloody baby is eating its dinner!
I felt deviant, awkward, wrong, sick in the head – more corrupt than even I like to feel! How can I be this high so close to the spectacle of tender motherhood?! It was all going abysmally, shamefully, horrifically wrong… So wrong, that I had to had to sit down on the floor in a manoeuvre that probably looked a little bit more like falling over on my arse, but never mind, the floor is always an excellent place to be in situations like these. You can’t fall off the floor. I repeated that, like a mantra to myself – I’m on the floor…I’m on the FLOOR, and I can’t fall off, so it’s all alright! And I am a CROUTON, floating above the soup of this mad world, never forget that you’re a crouton!
Unfortunately, I was still staring at the tit. And the tit had a face, attached to it, which said,
“Hi, you must be Kate’s boyfriend, right? Eden, is it? I’m Mel – nice to finally meet you.”
“Yes,” I said. “Yes. Kate, that’s her, she’s abandoned me, I’m all lost, but so long as I remember I’m a crouton it’ll all be fine, and Eden is my name, I’m sorry, my mother was terrible, and speaking of mothers, I wasn’t trying to stare at your tit but there’s just rather a lot of it sort of sitting there, and it looked at me, and I looked back, and then I had an existential crisis, and now I think I’m going to die, or stop talking, or both. Hello.”
“Umm…hello?” said Mel, with one eyebrow raised, sounding considerably less certain about my sanity. “You seem a bit shaken up by the baby. Are you and Kate thinking of having one? Oh my god, is she…is she expecting?! She is, isn’t she! I knew it! You’ve both been so odd tonight, around the children! Oh, that’s wonderful news – congratulations!”
“Expecting! Expecting?! Yes, no, that’s a good word, expecting, expectation, I had many expectations tonight, but now I really do think I might be sick, so I shall be hastening out of the door forthwith, it was simply charming to meet your…tit… God, it really is huge, isn’t it? It’s a tit. There’s a baby. I need to go…somewhere else…”
As I stumbled off the floor, she called after me,
“It’s ok, Eden, don’t panic – you’ll make fantastic parents, I just know it!”
I fell out of the front door, and vomited a technicolour rainbow of hallucinations and human blood all over what was no doubt another prize-winning flower arrangement.
Then I called Kate’s mobile until she found me and took me home, and I even let her drive the R8 because my entire vision seemed to be obscured by the mirage of a slobbery little mouth full of tit-meat and greasy milk…
When I could finally speak, I mumbled,
“That was bad… I mean, that was really, really bad. Please let’s never do that again… Especially not on Halloween, I love Halloween, and they just shat all over it!”
Kate laughed, glanced at the clock, and pointed out,
“It’s only midnight – how about we go on the hunt for a while, stop in the city centre? Might calm you down?”
“Calm… Calm is good. Type O. I need a LOT of Type O… Actually, I packed some emergency rations, of the heroin variety, in case your friends bored me to tears. They did not bore me, I honestly wish they had, but instead they’ve terrified me out of my immortal mind, so if you wouldn’t mind driving rather smoothly for the next few miles, in the words of the Ramones, I wanna be sedated…”
She laughed, shaking her head, and slowed the car, telling me,
“Make me one too. That really was a weird fucking party, and it wasn’t just the acid… I missed maybe two or three years of seeing my friends, because of…well, you, and all of this – becoming a vampire, travelling, the band, touring…and now I come back, expect everything to be the same and try to reconnect with the humans, and shit, everything’s changed so much! Everyone’s changed except for me – for us… They’ve all just wandered off down a weird new ageing path, and left me behind…or maybe it’s the other way around, who knows… “
She sighed, frowning out of the windscreen, and as I started cooking up on top of an old A-to-Z, I asked quietly,
“Do you want it to change? That woman, the…the TIT woman, Mel…she thought you were ‘expecting’. God knows why…I don’t know where she thinks you’d hide a baby in that tiny catsuit, or in your tiny body at all. But maybe you would be…expecting, by now, I mean, if it weren’t for me…”
She snorted, glancing across at me and pointing out,
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Eden, we both know exactly where I’d be if you hadn’t come along, and it’s far from anywhere nice. I couldn’t go back to that life…not any of it. But even if it weren’t for that…no. Fuck no! I love my life NOW, that house we just left stank of nappies and curdled milk-sick, and it was the most dull party I’ve ever been to in my life, even worse than the New Year’s Eve of 2005 when I got there with a pocket full of MDMA and found everyone sitting in silence sipping tea! In fact, the word ‘party’ doesn’t even apply. I bet even the Tory ‘Party’ have more fun!”
“They fuck dead pigs,” I replied sagely, sucking up the second syringe of golden liquid. “Pull over – we’re good to go.”
The car swerved into the entrance way to a closed garage, and she gave me a kiss, before taking a syringe and a belt, and glancing at me with a smile as we celebrated Halloween our way.
Finally, relaxed and blissful, we moved on into the city centre. I was still tripping, but babies and tits had ceased, for now, to haunt me. The city lights span and whirled like I was soaring through a neon galaxy, even if it did smell of cigarettes and chips and piss, and I dined like the King of Croutons! After a few pints of blood, the acid receded just enough for me to drive us slowly home, my right arm out of the window all the way, feeling the Halloween night of ghosts and ghouls float coldly through my fingertips.
I am the King of Croutons, I thought happily to myself, as Kate fiddled with the music and put on some Digital Daggers. I am immortal… I fear no spirits, lost from their mortal bodies, for I am dead already, and therefore DEATH is my DOMINION! I fear only life. New life. The sort that sucks on a juicy great tit in the middle of a party filled with cheese and crackers and bloody fucking ORCHIDS! Orchids… Didn’t they used to call bollocks something like orchids, back in Latin class? I don’t remember – I’m too high and it was centuries ago and I loathed that beastly teacher. But orchids… Kate was right, they need a display of bollocks right next to them. Why? Because orchids don’t even LOOK like bollocks, not to me, it’s all wrong! Perverts. That place was filled with perverts, from the very first midget to the lack of WEED SMOKE, to that enormous boob-woman declaring to the whole room, WITH NO EVIDENCE, that Kate was having a baby! Madness! Obscenity of presumptuousness! Thank my left bollock I escaped just in time, and thank my RIGHT bollock that no infants vomited on me!
We reached the sanctity of our house, Rob and Clara’s post-murder sex noises audible to vampire ears from halfway up the drive, then we went to bed, peeled Kate out of her catsuit, and let the acid wear off in a steaming-hot bath, smoking weed and caring not for any prize-winning orchids bar my own.
After that, we were hot and wet and horny, and we fucked, and fucked, and shot up dope, and then slept, blissfully, in a tangle of bath-warmed limbs and a fluffy new blanket covered in pumpkins and skulls that Kate found god only knows where.
It was the perfect end to a ghastly night…
But then…the morning came.
The ‘news’ of Kate’s brand new pregnancy had spread, thanks to the hollering and gossiping of Madam Tit. We were awoken to five increasingly irksome bleeps from her phone as friends offered congratulations, and then Kate hit me over the head with a pillow because apparently I’d CONFIRMED that she was pregnant, when I was far too high to do anything except babble and vomit! It wasn’t my fault!
Finally, yawning and gorgeously half naked, she crawled out of bed, brought us both blood-bags, and fired up the laptop. Thirty seconds later she was gasping with one hand over her mouth, muttering, “Ohhhhmygod…shit, Eden, what did you DO?!”
“I didn’t get you pregnant!” I blurted out. “I get credit for that, don’t I?” And then I buried myself under the duvet as she scrolled and swore under her breath.
Finally, there was a rush of air and she landed on top of me, wrenching the duvet away and stating,
“THIS, is what I’m going to say on Facebook, because by the FUCKING way my mother’s heard the news too and is going INSANE about our new baby, I am being bombarded with pictures of the little snotrags, and I want to hit you so hard right now, because you know what? You know FUCKING what?! Some of them are actually cute. Some of them don’t look like bald dribbling lepers. Some of them look like…Ugh, I don’t know, some of them could almost be ours, and I’m never going to have that. Not ever – no baby, no happy mother. Not ever, ever, ever! And I’d never even given a damn thought to it until THIS CLUSTERFUCK TODAY! And now, now I—”
“Oh god…” I said quietly, horrified. “You…you actually want one, don’t you? You want to…adopt, or…something, I…I saw Clara go through all this, so many times, and now you…you want a bloody baby and oh shit, Kate, I’m sorry I took that choice from you, I promise I’ll try to—”
“No I do NOT want a fucking baby!” she raged back at me, grabbing a chunk of my hair and yanking it just like Rob does when he’s being an arse. “I couldn’t sleep last night, and I thought about babies, a lot. I love what we have, I love our life, not just us, but Rob, and Clara, and Samuel – I want everything the way it is now! Last night, that party…it was so fucking dull! Eden, I couldn’t bear that, not for a week, let alone for eighteen years! You made me see what I’ll never have, and it was…ok, it was a little bit painful. It was weird. Very weird. And now my mum thinks I’m pregnant and she’s over the moon, and I cannot just tell everyone, ‘Hey guys, sorry, Eden was blasted on acid and he accidentally stared at a breastfeeding woman’s tit and got all confused’! So, here’s the story; my period was two weeks late, and—”
“You don’t even have periods, you’re a vampi—”
“Jesus, they don’t know that, shut up! My period was two weeks late, and I got a stomach bug. I put two and two together and made five. But I was wrong, and we are OVERJOYED, because we’re not ready for a baby, and we don’t WANT ONE! But maybe…just maybe, we could get a dog for Christmas…”
“A dog?” I repeat, not daring to hope. “You mean Humbug? We’ll have Humbug to stay again?”
“No, not Humbug this time – a dog! Our own dog, a puppy even, if we can find one at a rescue centre. I got talking to an old friend last night, and she’d be willing to look after it whenever we were touring, or on holiday. So…no babies, and no regrets – just a massive, furry, dribbling fuckwit of a dog.”
I was so happy I rolled on top of her and took my hands to some very rude places until she shook me off, laughing as she protested,
“Give me ten minutes, Crouton Boy – I need to my make my Official Empty Womb Statement to the world of Facebook, then I need to shut off my phone before mum goes mad again, and then I need to check out local rescue centres for our furry new kid!”
This sounds too good to be true. It’s like some perfect movie-dream Christmas, not the hungover morning after Halloween!
“Then you’ll fuck me? And then we’ll choose a dog?”
Her weight on me vanished as she darted across the room, landed in the armchair, and her fingertips danced lightning quick across the keys, announcing the simple truth that dogs are far, far superior to babies. I suspect her mother will disagree, perhaps even accuse me of impotence, but I have tolerated far worse an insult! (Well, I mean technically I am impotent, aren’t I? I can GET IT UP, most assuredly, I may STAND TO ATTENTION for as long as I am needed, but my sperm, well… Who knows.) I wonder if Samuel’s studied his own sperm in his quest for science…
Interesting… Albeit disgusting, the idea of Samuel staring through a microscope at a dish of my own jism, looking for little be-fanged sperms!
It wasn’t all bad though, I reflected, as I stared out of the window at the gloomy autumnal-dying woodlands, Kate transfixed by the computer.
Halloween had been a bust, but for now, the dreaded ‘I turned a girl (into a vampire) and I liked it…but now she misses her ovaries’ genie, it had been STUFFED back into its bottle, and soon…soon, there would be a new member of our family, with a great big waggly tail 🙂