Category Archives: Eden Explains

A for Acronym, B for Bollocks

Samuel recently bought some fish, and made the mistake of asking a rather stoned Eden for naming suggestions. Eden pondered this for a while, and eventually declared, “Orange Fuck, Black Fuck, Big Fuck and Little Fuck!”

The outcome of this was that Samuel decided to instigate a “swear jar”, in the hope of widening Eden’s vocabulary. By the end of the first day, Eden was down £30, and Samuel was putting the price up with each swear-word. After a particularly colourful outburst brought on by Rob opening Eden’s grinder the wrong way up and spilling weed all over the rug, Samuel announced that each swear was now going to cost him £100. Eden frowned at him thoughtfully, before stating,

“I ejaculate upon £50 notes! I’ll feed you a pustulous rectum, you flatulent dinosaur!” Looking pleased with himself, he started picking weed off the rug, whilst continuing gleefully,

“Rob is a decomposing eyeball. He besplurged my sacred herbage hither and thither about the rug of matted pubic hairs, hopping with blood-engorged ticks and flaky haemorrhoid scabs! Oh stinking sewers! Oh toe-curd and bleeding prostates! My heart is filled with congealed pus and my brain pickles in semen and my eyeballs-”

“ENOUGH!” Samuel exclaimed. “This was a terrible idea. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather you simply said “fuck”.”

Fuck!” Eden hissed contentedly, beaming at his handful of weed and fluff.

 

 

However, he enjoyed his creative swearing so much that he has now decided he needs to explain his personal understandings of internet acronyms. I don’t think I will ever use another acronym whilst texting Eden, now I know what he makes out of them…

 

“This is what silly acronyms mean to me. If people don’t wish me to pervert their speech, they should bother to type out the whole damn word.

WTF – What To Fuck. A deep and agonising decision indeed! This expression is mostly used, when a person is regarding something that appears shocking, baffling, or otherwise bamboozling to them. And in such situations of planet-spinning, agonising confusion, the solid ground of knowledge and morality crumbling beneath one’s feet, naturally, one seeks a comforting fuck. And clearly, the question is “What to fuck?” Is there something in this disturbing scene that I could fuck? If I could, it would make everything better. So, whenever you find yourself aggrieved and despairing over some scene of confusion, simply find something to fuck. Fuck it better.

FTW – Fucking The Wife. Seems to be an expression of jollity, following the mention of something the poster likes. “Batman FTW!” for instance, clearly implies that the poster is presently engaging in roleplay, whilst giving his wife a right superhero shagging. I have actually found that this simple abbreviation seems to have liberated many people, with regards to their sex life. People who I previously thought were fairly straight-laced, now seem happy to reveal their fondess for bestiality, with posts such as “Dogs FTW!” Well, well. People can be surprising sometimes!

LOL – Licking On Labia. Another rather strange expression of cheeriness and good humour. It may seem explicit, but I suppose in another sense it is a beautiful raw human truth. What could be happier than having sex? Well, Licking On Labia, clearly – one knows that one is about to get sex. The start of a beautiful love story, or perhaps a ghastly bout of genital warts, but with a faceful of pussy, one is inclined to be optimistic. LOL.

IMO – I Moan Orgasmically. Must admit I am slightly confused about this one. For some reason, when people are giving you their opinions, they like to make you imagine them saying it in an orgasmic moan. I believe that the pseudoscience behind this popular concept, is that you can hypnotise a person with sex. If you retard someone with their own libido, they will become your own personal sex-zombie. So, next time you wish to get a point across clearly and concisely, you must moan it like you’re getting the best damn fucking you ever had in your life! And before you know it, you’ll be Prime Minister!

BRB – Burgle Rob’s Backside – I would rather not, frankly. If you truly feel that having anal intercourse with Rob is your ultimate destiny in life, that is a task you will have to undertake alone. And I do not wish to be told about it afterwards.

There you go. Now you understand people.

Eden the Innovating Enlightener!”

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Things Eden Likes

Last night, Eden came wandering into the living room with my laptop, and announced,

“I want to use your Facebook. Can you log me in?”

“What for?” I asked.

“I want to study modern humanity,” he said earnestly.

“Ok…” I agreed. “Just don’t comment on anything, or message anyone.”

He spent the next hour completely transfixed by it, chain smoking joints and saying nothing, apart from when he begged to be allowed to “like” a picture of a pug wearing sunglasses. Five minutes later though, he said thoughtfully,

“Like can mean anything… I mean, I don’t like the pug in the same way that I like your friend with the boobs. Obviously!” He frowned, looking slightly disturbed. “How is someone meant to know that? They could read anything into my Like! Some people might think I want to fuck them, when I don’t! I hate it when that happens!”

“Maybe you should write to Facebook,” I suggested, grinning.

“The universe needs me,” he said contentedly, opening a blank Word file. “I’m like genius ectoplasm, holding all the pairs of socks together…”

 

 

“Dear Facebook.

I feel there need to be variations of ‘like’. One like is not equal to another like. There are many sub-categories of like. Here are some of my definitions:

-The Vacuous Bubble of Fleeting Amusement Like – a meme vaguely amuses me. I do not actually laugh, I just sort of think, “heh…” as I gaze in slack-jawed moronity at my screen, dropping ash all over my keyboard. It is either around 4am, or I have just got up, and I do not care about anything yet.

-I Like Boobs – this is self-explanatory. Boobs require their own special Like. Maybe it should be called a Lick. A Boob Lick… Umm…where was I? Ah, yes – the reason for this category is that sometimes females will post of photos of themselves, and then caption it something like, “I got new lipstick!” So, clearly, I do not wish to make an explicit comment and reveal myself to be a pervert, but I do feel the need to tell them that I don’t give a fuck about their lipstick – in fact, I’m not even seeing it. Because their boobs are so utterly spectacular. This category makes me happy. I’m smiling now -:)

-The Obligatory Like – someone who never, ever takes photos of themselves, posts a photo – gasp! Being ill-used to the lens side of a camera, they resemble a cross-eyed muppet in a toupe, wearing an uncomfortable grimace that may or may not indicate they have just shat themselves. I feel bad for them. So I give them an Obligatory Like!

-I Actually Do Want To Fuck You – your post is nonsense to me, but I want to fuck you, so I’m going to pretend I actually appreciate the music of Amanda Palmer. You could write just about anything and I’d still like it. Please notice me. I already have a girlfriend, but it would make me happy if I knew you wanted to fuck me. I want to look at your boobs while you tell me I’m beautiful.

-I Sympathise With Your Misery Like – when someone posts, “Today my toe fell off and I lost an eye and my dad crucified my pet rabbit and then had sex with it”, a Like is not really appropriate. So, one needs a way to say, in shorthand, “I also witnessed the vicious buggery of my childhood pet, Harry the Hamster, and I feel your pain”, without appearing to be a twisted masochist. It is a fine line, sometimes.

-I Agree With This! – this particular Like requires a sliding scale, running from, “I am marinating in a state of utter soul-devouring apathy and really couldn’t give half a shit, but I feel vaguely obligated to agree with you so I don’t look like a bastard”, right up to, “Well, holy fuck! This greatly concerns and disturbs me, and I am about to mail a large dogturd to my MP in support of your cause!” Can’t go wrong with a poo in the mail.

-You Are A Fucking Genius Like – this is a rare Like – the holy grail of Approval! Occasionally, just occasionally, in some strange stumbling 4am reality, someone on Facebook actually says something really fucking interesting, and I spill my drink all over myself with excitement! So. One Like is not sufficient. I need to give them some kind of Facebook blowjob!

-The Devious Bastard Like – this is when people are pissed off with their ex, or their boss, and they’re planning to go round and punch them in the face. Naturally, I am eager for entertainment amidst the dreary everydayness of Facebook. So, sniggering to myself, I click Like. Because I want to see what happens…

 

These are just a few simple levels of Like. There is infinite scope for subtle variations within the vast rainbow of Like! For a small fee, I could provide appropriate Faces for each of these Likes! I feel it is potentially damaging to the human consciousness to only have one breed of Like – modern day humans will become emotionally constipated. Facebook needs a great big emotional enema, and I feel that I am the fellow to do it!

I await your response eagerly!

Eden (Author of Eden’s Expressive Encyclopaedia, also known as the Book of Fuck)”

 

 

“You do realise,” I pointed out, “That you’re on my Facebook account? If anyone says they want to fuck you, they’re not actually talking about you.”

He grinned. “It’s even better – then I get to think about two girls I want to fuck, fucking each other! I think I quite like Facebook…”

Laughing, I asked, “Is that what you’re thinking about, every time you log in to the band’s page? Hundreds of women who want to fuck you?”

“I didn’t always think that,” he replied thoughtfully. “At first I thought, “All these people love my songs!” and I liked that. But then I got Twitter, and no one ever says much about my songs. They just want to fuck me.” He sighed sadly.

“I think it’s both,” I said reassuringly. “They want you to sing to them, and then fuck them. Or maybe fuck them whilst singing to them.”

“It’s very hard to sing well whilst having an orgasm,” he said seriously. “In the ‘70s, one night we came up with this idea, that the most emotionally pure music could be created whilst having sex.”

I burst out laughing. “Do you still have the recording?”

“No,” he said, grinning. “It was an absolute abortion.” Then he frowned, adding, “Actually, it turns out that Rob can drum pretty well whilst getting a blowjob. But I can’t sing…”

“I think we need to test this out,” I told him, smirking.

“Not without an empty house,” he stated.

“I think it might create an empty house. And that’s a pretty damn useful skill!”

He gave me a devious grin. “Let’s do it! Once Rob goes out, we’re going to have sex all over his bed – finally get that bastard back for leaving his fucking anus wreath on my pillow…”

Eden’s Favourite Faces

 

 

Eden joined Facebook this evening, and attempted to set up a page for the band, before someone does it for us. Unfortunately, he got a bit distracted by the message smileys, and spent the night on the laptop, getting progressively more and more stoned whilst sending ever more nonsensical, emoticon-packed messages to himself from my account. He spent a long time testing out the effects different smileys had on sentences, so now there’s a whole string of messages in my inbox reading:

“I hate you Tracey -;)”

“I hate you, Tracey! ->_<”

“I HATE YOU TRACEY!! -:D”

 

I have absolutely no idea who Tracey is, but I suspect that he actually does hate her, because the final message reads:

“I’M GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR FUCKING EARLOBES AND EAT THEM, TRACEY! {======8”

 

After a few hours of this, he decided to write a letter directly to Facebook. (I apologise for the dashes next to faces – I had to stop WordPress making them into stupid emoticons, much to Eden’s extreme irritation. “They’re all against me! Me and my Faces! Smiting me everywhere I turn!” etc etc… Maybe you should just imagine it as a mohican, or a twig in their ear…)

 

 

“Dear Facebook.

I don’t like your messaging system. It corrupts my faces. Instead of a nice text smiley, as drawn by its creator, perfect in form and function, I end up with a ghastly emoticon! I feel that much of the expressive emotion portrayed by my Face is lost in translation. These are my personal interpretations of common Faces:

-O.o I like this face. This is my all-time favourite Face. It is befuddled and curious, but politely so. -o.O is its evil twin. That face seems more dubious – perhaps even cynical. Tread carefully with this face.

-:D How could anything be happier than this face? It looks like it’s eating an icecream and getting a blowjob all at once! Your version of this face looks mildly retarded. I can look happy without looking retarded, damn you!

-:) The bog-standard face. In the early days of the internet, this face seemed cheerful and encouraging, but now it seems a little lacklustre. Your version of this face looks like a potato smiley. Which are disgusting!

-;) I call this one Devious Fuckface. One never knows whether the recipient is reading sinister hidden meanings into your words, whenever you employ this face. You are either trying to get into their pants, or you have just insulted them, but believe you can say anything you like, provided you follow it with Devious Fuckface. For example, “My god you are a hideous bastard! -;)” See? Fuckface gets you out of trouble every time. I encourage you to experiment with this, in your day-to-day lives.

-:P I like this face. It looks a little special needs, but it is an endearing variety of mental disability. Maybe I should call this face Rob. Your version is…acceptable, I suppose. I like the pink tongue. It would be better if you gave it a tongue piercing though, or perhaps added the option of a little penis for it to lick…

->_< The angriest face of all! The epitome of smiley-eloquence! Whenever I see this face, I hear Eric Cartman saying, “Screhh yehh gehhs, eehm gehn heehhm!” Your version of this face looks like it is being forcefed a lemon, whilst being anally violated. That is not an emotional state I have frequent need to portray, strangely.

-:-O Vomitting Retardface, is this chap’s name. May be a subliminal message, suggesting, “I give fantastic blowjobs, and my ability to deepthroat is well renowned!” Use at own risk.

-:-S Oh dear. Bad Cocktail Face, cousin of the above. Whenever you see this face, step briskly out of the splashzone. It is either about to puke like a tornado of stomach contents, or start weeping piteously and smearing snot all over you. Keep your distance from this Face – he’s a party pooper.

-:-/ A very expressive face indeed! This is a face with great emotional complexity. He may look sad-but-nonchalant, however actually I suspect that this face is near suicidal. He just battles on bravely. What a tormented face he is.

 

So. You see. All these faces have very distinct personalities, and I feel it is most offensive for you to automatically convert them into vulgar little drawings! Editing my words, editing my very feelings!

You may think that your emoticons are all very snazzy and modern, but I happen to think they are an abhorrence!

That said, I am struggling to reproduce my current feelings into a Face. It’s sort of…disapproving, but somewhat resigned, slightly stoned, and beginning to wonder where it left the Rizlas. If you could start drawing more expressive faces that could not be captured in text, I may be forced to rethink my current opinions. Please run all prototypes past me first. I may even let you name one “Eden’s Relentless Disapproval” or perhaps, “Eden Looking Incredibly Pissed Off But Nonetheless Stunning”. The latter particularly would make a fantastic Face!

I await your reply eagerly!

Eden”

 

 

“I think,” he said thoughtfully, when I’d finished reading it, “That I should devote my immortality to making a dictionary of faces.”

“Faces are a bit subjective,” I told him. “There was that psychology study, with the half smiling woman picture – if people were happy, they saw more smiles.”

“Internet-faces have more definite expressions than people-faces,” he disagreed, sparking up another joint. “Anyway, if I explain them, then the meanings will be set in stone!” Taking a drag off the joint, he exhaled a vast cloud of weed smoke, and grinned at something.

“I could illustrate the emotions!” he went on excitedly, waving his joint about. “I could have a picture of me next to every face, making the people-face version! I could go down in history! If humanity becomes extinct, when aliens discover our planet, they’ll find my book and understand emotion! It might reshape their entire culture!”

I laughed, and took the joint off him. “What are you gonna call it?”

“The Face Boo…” He glowered. “Fucking bastards! They’ve stolen my name! What else am I supposed to call it?!”

“Eden’s Emotion Explainer?” I suggested.

He considered this, and wrinkled his nose. “Sounds a bit emo. Eden’s Expressive Encyclopaedia, maybe. Or All My Faces. Or Interpretive Happiness. The Bible of Humanity! Face Finder… Face Fucker! Fuck You In The Face. A Faceful of Fuck! Eden’s Book of Fuck!” He dissolved into stoned giggling.

 

 

In the morning, I woke up to find that the computer was full of webcam shots of Eden pulling faces, entitled things like, “Wearing an uncomfortable sock”, “Thinking about what a dick you are”, “Despising your new haircut”, “Wondering if I left the gas on” and perversely, “Counting tomatoes”.

I get the feeling that Eden’s Book of Fuck might be rather a long book…

Eden’s Favourite Faces