Samuel recently bought some fish, and made the mistake of asking a rather stoned Eden for naming suggestions. Eden pondered this for a while, and eventually declared, “Orange Fuck, Black Fuck, Big Fuck and Little Fuck!”
The outcome of this was that Samuel decided to instigate a “swear jar”, in the hope of widening Eden’s vocabulary. By the end of the first day, Eden was down £30, and Samuel was putting the price up with each swear-word. After a particularly colourful outburst brought on by Rob opening Eden’s grinder the wrong way up and spilling weed all over the rug, Samuel announced that each swear was now going to cost him £100. Eden frowned at him thoughtfully, before stating,
“I ejaculate upon £50 notes! I’ll feed you a pustulous rectum, you flatulent dinosaur!” Looking pleased with himself, he started picking weed off the rug, whilst continuing gleefully,
“Rob is a decomposing eyeball. He besplurged my sacred herbage hither and thither about the rug of matted pubic hairs, hopping with blood-engorged ticks and flaky haemorrhoid scabs! Oh stinking sewers! Oh toe-curd and bleeding prostates! My heart is filled with congealed pus and my brain pickles in semen and my eyeballs-”
“ENOUGH!” Samuel exclaimed. “This was a terrible idea. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather you simply said “fuck”.”
“Fuck!” Eden hissed contentedly, beaming at his handful of weed and fluff.
However, he enjoyed his creative swearing so much that he has now decided he needs to explain his personal understandings of internet acronyms. I don’t think I will ever use another acronym whilst texting Eden, now I know what he makes out of them…
“This is what silly acronyms mean to me. If people don’t wish me to pervert their speech, they should bother to type out the whole damn word.
WTF – What To Fuck. A deep and agonising decision indeed! This expression is mostly used, when a person is regarding something that appears shocking, baffling, or otherwise bamboozling to them. And in such situations of planet-spinning, agonising confusion, the solid ground of knowledge and morality crumbling beneath one’s feet, naturally, one seeks a comforting fuck. And clearly, the question is “What to fuck?” Is there something in this disturbing scene that I could fuck? If I could, it would make everything better. So, whenever you find yourself aggrieved and despairing over some scene of confusion, simply find something to fuck. Fuck it better.
FTW – Fucking The Wife. Seems to be an expression of jollity, following the mention of something the poster likes. “Batman FTW!” for instance, clearly implies that the poster is presently engaging in roleplay, whilst giving his wife a right superhero shagging. I have actually found that this simple abbreviation seems to have liberated many people, with regards to their sex life. People who I previously thought were fairly straight-laced, now seem happy to reveal their fondess for bestiality, with posts such as “Dogs FTW!” Well, well. People can be surprising sometimes!
LOL – Licking On Labia. Another rather strange expression of cheeriness and good humour. It may seem explicit, but I suppose in another sense it is a beautiful raw human truth. What could be happier than having sex? Well, Licking On Labia, clearly – one knows that one is about to get sex. The start of a beautiful love story, or perhaps a ghastly bout of genital warts, but with a faceful of pussy, one is inclined to be optimistic. LOL.
IMO – I Moan Orgasmically. Must admit I am slightly confused about this one. For some reason, when people are giving you their opinions, they like to make you imagine them saying it in an orgasmic moan. I believe that the pseudoscience behind this popular concept, is that you can hypnotise a person with sex. If you retard someone with their own libido, they will become your own personal sex-zombie. So, next time you wish to get a point across clearly and concisely, you must moan it like you’re getting the best damn fucking you ever had in your life! And before you know it, you’ll be Prime Minister!
BRB – Burgle Rob’s Backside – I would rather not, frankly. If you truly feel that having anal intercourse with Rob is your ultimate destiny in life, that is a task you will have to undertake alone. And I do not wish to be told about it afterwards.
There you go. Now you understand people.
Eden the Innovating Enlightener!”