Happy Pissmas, humans! This is Rob, and I’m going to give you some awesome ideas for presents. If you’re a peasant, or you’re like me, and would rather buy stuff for yourself than all those other greedy little bastards, you haven’t got loads of cash to spend. So, like the generous and all-round fantastic person I am, I’m going to help you out!
Here are some fucking awesome gift ideas that will bring a smile to the face of anyone. Even your bitter and twisted Aunt Fanny, who’s got a face like a puckered anus, and constantly stinks of cat-piss. Even Aunt Fanny knows a thoughtful gift when she sees one!
DON’T YOU DARE READ THIS, EDEN! I don’t want to spoil the surprise!
Rob’s Top 10 Pissmas Craft Creations!
1 Piss Surprise – Pissmas is, as everyone knows, as a celebration of booze. But for the true connoisseur, give them something special this year. A bottle of pre-used Jack Daniels, filtered to smooth perfection by your very own bladder! Can’t beat a genuine Rob-produced pisskey on the rocks! If you want to take inspiration from Asia, you could put a wild animal in the bottle. They use snakes and scorpions, but for a traditional English feel, use a dead mouse. This isn’t just a decaying rodent in a bottle of piss, this is an M&S rodent in a bottle of MY piss!
2 Chocolate Starfish, a la Rob – Inside a Pissmas card, it’s nice to leave something personalised, so people know you love them. This year, give them an individual arseprint, in the medium of shit on toilet paper. Guaranteed to end up on Granny’s wall!
3 Gary the Toenail – Pets make people happy, but a dog is for life, not just for Pissmas. Instead, give someone a pet toenail, on a little string, so they can take it for walks. Everyone needs a friend!
4 A Sack of Wonders – One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, they say, and everyone likes a big present, so this year, give someone one of your binbags. This is a really exciting present, there’s so much different stuff in there for them to play with – old condoms, orange peel, clumps of Eden’s hair, a mouldy turnip – something for everyone! In fact, it’s such a lavish present you could even get away with giving it to several people. They’ll all find something they love in there, you mark my words!
5 The Furry Fag Fairy – Take your hairbrush, and pull all the hair out of it. Hopefully you’ve got a nice big wodge of hair, and if you’re cool like me, it’ll even be multi-coloured. Shape it into a fluffy little ball, then get two fag-ends out of your ashtray, and poke them into the hair so they look like eyes. Nothing could be cuter!
6 Lunchbox – Everyone likes food, the fat fucks, but Pissmas dinner is a bit passé. Instead, give someone a cheese sandwich – everyone likes cheese sandwiches. To make it a really personalised gift, and for quality control, eat half of it first – Pissmas is all about sharing. And since it’s so cold outside, don’t give them a nasty cold sandwich, carry it around in your pocket so it’s nice and warm and comforting. Can’t go wrong with a squashed old sandwich!
7 Fuckjuice – Are you meeting your brother’s new fiancée at Pissmas this year? Make a good impression by giving something that shows you approve of their relationship. New couples have loads of sex, and like a caring sibling, you don’t want your brother’s willy to get all sore – give them a bottle of lubricant, lovingly made from your own saliva. To be really creative, you could shove a chocolate into the bottle of spit to make it flavoured!
8 Errgh de Toilet – It’s nice to appreciate foreign people’s culture. So, if you’ve got a Frenchie in the family, bottle some water out of your loo. I know it’s a bit weird, but they like that sort of thing. Make sure the toilet’s been used first, and not flushed. This is very important! They also really like stinky cheese, so buy some French brie, then hide it under the sofa cushions, and sit on it as much as possible. It’ll be really ripe by Pissmas day, and they’ll love it!
9 Thoughtful – Like I said, everyone likes big presents. Put four different sized boxes inside each other, and wrap each one up. They’ll be delirious with excitement as they unwrap it all! Regarding the present itself, it’s the thought that counts, so inside the smallest box, write down a thought. It can be any thought at all really, like ‘My toes are a funny shape’ or ‘I think I might have a wank now’ or ‘God I really hate golf’. If you want to be really thoughtful, give them several thoughts. What a generous person you are!
10 The Sock of Destiny – If you’re in a band, like me, there’s lots of opportunities for giving your family valuable merchandise. In a few years, everything you touch could be worth a fortune. So, this year, give someone an old sock. Don’t even think about washing it – your fans want a proper smelly sock, full of rockstar foot odour, so wear it for a straight week before Christmas, to make sure it really stinks. That’s the smell of success, and your family will feel really privileged!
These are just a few ideas, but everyone should find some inspiration here. Your family’ll vomit with joy, and I bet you’ll get to buttfuck that girl you’ve been trying to shag since October. You can thank me later -:)